The loss...that I feel sometimes!

Sounds like an emotional topic! Well, it is. And as emotional as it sounds, I'm at a total loss; the loss of my life's significance...the loss of patience...the loss of right words for the right moment...the loss of control that I usually used to have...the loss of everything. Apparently, it's not leading me anywhere but to darkness. Darkness, where I can't find myself...where I'm losing myself more and more everytime I try to step up...where I've nobody to turn to. And as pathetic as it sounds, it's true. But all I can do is sit quietly and wait for it to go.

But the thing that I don't realize until now is that I've been doing it all wrong. I'm waiting for the darkness to go away; when it's just the absence of light. I'm sad and at loss because I don't have something significant that brightens up my day; or maybe that's what I believe. Maybe I do have that significant thing in my life but I'm looking for more. But am I not supposed to look for more? Because what I do know is that we should always try to make something of our life, our relationships, or friendships, et al. Easier said then done! Had it been so, I woudn't have been feeling this grief-stricken.

As a matter of fact, I can't even negate the one true fact i.e. After winter, must come spring. At least I'm this optimistic. Meanwhile I've been doing a little bit of thinking lately. Because you know when you're sad, you think about life like you've never thought before. And that somehow made me reach to some conclusions in my life. These conclusions vary from the friendship to the relationship that I share with the people around me to the goals that I set for myself.

Starting with the friendship, I think I've already written about it here at some length before. But the stuff that I realized this time around is a bit different. Here I'm talking about drawing a conclusion; and I pretty much succeeded in that. So going by the definition that says A friend is someone who's always available for you through thick and thin, I would say I'm blessed to have two really good friends. They have been there for me always and I was never at the loss of words while discussing life with them. And trust me, I did thorough testing. ;)

Coming down to relationships that I share with people around me, it came out to be a little disappointing. I studied people around me and drew the conclusion that I'm mostly unwanted or undesired. I would have used the term 'social pariah' but I would leave it for my self-loathing self that is not keen to show up as of now. Next time, maybe! 

Goals that I've set for myself! Trust me, I've set a thousand of them; some changes every now and then and some stays waiting to be accomplished. But dang, no luck as of now. I'm not at a loss of how to go about it; the only thing that's missing here is the dedication. Maybe over the time!

While I'm not fully able to comprehend the reason behind all this thinking, I sure understand what it feels like to find significance in the wrong things. For that matter, this piece has been like a guide for me throughout this time of loss. And yes, LOVELARS, I do understand the feeling when you ask 'Have you ever had those moments where you find yourself getting upset with yourself for getting upset?' Yes, I've been having those moments lately and all I can feel is 'loss'.

 Hoping it would soon go away!


 Until then,
 G